This installment of the Blathering will be a small departure. I don't really have anything to say so I went dredging throught the ol' hard drive looking for stuff. Lo and Behold! I found an old story Megan and I wrote. See, when we were particularly bored at work we would write a story - I would write a paragraph then Megan wrote one then me...you get the picture. I don't know if this method has a particular name - if you know please email me. If you've never done this before - it's easy to see how quickly the "story" deteriorates.

In this episode Megan's paragraph will be bolded - mine will be ...um...non bolded. Thus I give you...

The Badger Story

Once upon a time there was a little badger. His name was Phil. He liked to eat his badger food and play with his badger friends. One day, he went outside and saw a....

large machine that looked like it was eating the land. Where once grew grasses and trees on the mounds, black dirt erupted. The smell was of carnage and....

poop. For the machines had broken the sewer lines that ran all through the vacant lot where Phil and his friends cavorted and gamboled. In the path of the machine lay Phil's good friend...

Jeremy. They had been neighbors as long as Phil could remember. They had gone to grade school together and been on the same soccer team. Seeing his dear friend in trouble, Phil yelled to Jeremy, .

"HFNEY! giff ouffa fnuh fnay, Hfneremy!!" Alas, Phil had a harelip. Jeremy heard Phil and leaped out of the way, his little puffball tail twitching nervously. "Thanks Phil! That was a good time for me to be...

going to the bathroom." He zipped up his trousers and walked to Phil. "What do you think is going on here, Phil?" The two scanned the hillside, the destruction breathing like a living beast. "I fon't know, Jerephy," replied Phil. "Faphy we shouft go see Fister Iklester, ...

" cuzf hee'sf fnuh hfmarfest fnanimal fnin fhuh fnmeadfnow." "I agree," said Jeremy, "we should hippity hoppity to him post haste, and maybe he'll have an answer for what this giant beast is and what those letters on the side of it mean...let's see...K....O...."

Jeremy committed the rest to memory, as he had forgotten that Phil couldn't read. In a dash, the two bounded down the lane to Mr. Iklester's home. An old widower, young badgers held him in awe and fear. Plenty of stories milled around about the peculiar ways his 5 wives had died. While nothing was ever found to truly blame him for their deaths, it was enough to make the children fear him, especially since it was rumored one wife died...

in a tragic pie eating contest accident. She was crushed under 100 pounds of Concrete Meringue. As Jeremy and Phil approached the underground house of Mr. Iklester, they sang a happy tune to keep their minds off the scary stories. "Oh...a fhnarrot fhnand a fhneet fhis fhnall I flike fhto fneat...

as they neared his home, they could hear a distant cry. The cry grew louder and more bone chilling as their steps carried them to the ominous front door. The cry rose to a screeching wail of a woman. The young badgers bolted through the door with nary a thought as to the consequences. But there was no woman being killed, only old Inklester standing in front of them...

He abruptly turned down the stereo. "Hallo Boys! I just picked up the new Alanis Morrisette cd at Best Buy! Isn't she the coolest?" Jeremy said, "She sucks butt, Mr Inklester. Why don't you get some good music like the Dead Kennedys or Black Flag?" Jeremy used to be a punk rock bad boy in Badger HS. "Orf fhmaybe fhome Fhneastie Fhnoys." commented Phil. "But enough about your horrible taste in music," Jeremy interjected, "we're here to find out what you know about that machine out there and how we can stop it from destroying the whole meadow!" "Oh that old thing?" said Inklester, "why that's just my third wives...

mechanical pet. She was an engineer and designed it as a sort of guard dog. It was the meanest thing. I don't know why it has come back to life, I supposed it could be connected to the vision I had last night...

...but I don't want to bore you with visions." Jeremy exclaimed "Oh please tell us! We want to know all about your vision, and how the pet reminds you of it, and maybe your vision will explain how to kill it and how to cure Phil's harelip!" "OK boys, here goes....last night I had a vision of...

" this beautiful woman"...He coughed suddenly and blushed. "I guess I should give you the censored version, huh?" Both boys looked at each other in disgust to think of this old, wrinkled badger still having amorous dreams. The old man continued, "In the dream, this woman came to me and warned of a blackness enveloping our land. As she described it, her face became distorted, frightening. Her teeth grew longer and sharper. That is what reminded me of that machine with its big metal teeth. I don't know if one is connected to the other, but I pray it is not so because I woke up awfully frightened and...

oh, so sticky." "EEEWWWWWWWWWWW!" yelled the boys. Well, actually Jeremy said that. Phil's kind of sounded like "FFFFFFHHNNNNNUUUUWWWWW!!!" "But enough about your late night wet dream-a-thons you old perv - how are we to trounce this mechanized evil once and for all?" "Well, that's simple" he said, "just climb on its back and open the small hatch behind it's head. Inside you will find a keyboard, just type in the secret phrase and it will de-activate." Fhnwell?" said Phil, "Fhnaht's fhuh phranze?" "Simple - 'Every Good Badger Deserves....

Love. I know, that wife was a romantic at heart. Silly thing." The boys couldn't believe their luck. It was so easy, almost too easy. As Mr. Iklester led them to the door, to wish them well on their journey, he warned, "Be careful with that beast. It never did like boys and it can send electrical jolts strong enough to stun and maybe kill lads your size if you...

make any noise within 5 feet of it. Remember - it was created as a guard pet - that's all it does." "Well, crap on a stick Inkie - how the hell are we supposed to get close to it then?" asked Jeremy. "Fly to it??" "Lads! That's it! I forgot about my gliders! Up at the top of the Oak tree I secured two gliders that I created out of...

the skins of otters and the bones of vultures." The two boys tried not to show their disgust. "Why do you happen to have 2 gliders up there?" asked Jeremy. "My 4th wife loved adventure, they were for her. I haven't used them since she died. About time someone did." "Gweat!" yelled Phil. The three badgers walked to the oak tree and climbed to where the 2 gliders where stored behind some thick branches...

where all of a sudden Jeremy said "wait a minute Phil - what did you say back in Inkie's house?" "Gweat!" "Phil! Inkie's vision cured your hare lip! Taroo! Taray! What a glorious day!" "You'we wight! but now I souwnd wike Elmew Fudd! Cwap!" Inklester piped in, "Do you think you guys could shut your yaps before the GD-1000 hears you? See those antennas on its head? Those are his listening devices. These gliders have magic acorn bombs that can disable the antennae and allow you to drop on his back." They primed the acorns and Inklester pulled a lever and launched the gliders. "Wow, we're really high up here Phil." "We suwe awe Jewemy - fwom up hewe I can see....

all the way to the wiver! I think I see Baba Wawason bathing over there!" "Keep your eyes on the machine, stupid, or we're going to screw up!" The boys' bickering drew the attention of the machine. It's great metal head swiveled to look at the flying boys. It bared its teeth and.

the teeth spouted fire and came roaring at them. They were rocket teeth! "Howey cwap! Tuwn weft!" The pair of gliders swiftly dodged the rockets. "Now wet's dive bomb that wascawy wobot!" They nosed over into a steep dive and at the last moment released their magic payload and pulled hard on the controls. With a mighty roar the bombs exploded. They banked right in time to see the robot....

leap into the air, mouth wide, and swallow the explosive acorns. they exploded in its belly, making him burp smoke. Apparently, fire did not damage this metal beast. Their plan had not worked, and their gliders were slowly lowering. The beast circled below, eyes locked on its two targets. Its eyes were...

made of ice cubes! As it directed it's gaze upwards, the heat of the sun melted the ice and rendered the mechanical beast blind! It jumped where it thought the gliders were but missed by a few feet and landed on an old fence post. "Arghh bow wow buzz buzz!!!" cried the beast. "Now's our chance you lisping freak!" said Jeremy. They did a loop and a hammer head stall followed by a reverse Immelman. "Wow! These gwidews kick buttski!" said Phil. They undid their harnesses and dropped a few feet to the immobilized beast's back. "Now where's that hatch," said Phil. "Hewe it is! Wight by the logo that says...

"I Eat Me Spinnach." Phil opened the hatch, revealing a single red button. He slammed his hand down on the button and jumped off the beast's back. The beast took a few lumbering steps and collapsed, dead. When the two returned to their homes, the whole town was waiting for them. Mr. Iklester had told their families about their brave deed, and the whole town was throwing them a party in their honor.

THE END